Image by SonOfJordan via Flickr

I have joined my friends over at Reality for a Change and Tamar Coaching in a blog game. We all decided to write a post called “What are we fighting for?”

The rules? Use any or all meanings of the question you can think of.

It’s due tomorrow and here I am, just now putting finger to keyboard to knock it out.

I fight for nothing.

I learned something last night while watching Intervention. As I sat there not working on anything at all, I gave up feeling guilty about it. Just gave it up. Instantly my jaws loosened.

I’d been fighting for something I knew was there, but I couldn’t see. And suddenly I heard the small child pointing and yelling, “The Emperor is naked!”

Yes – the thing I was fighting for isn’t there. Someone said it was. Someone said that only those who are smart and good at their jobs can see it. But they were swindlers and hoodwinkers.

I am smart. And I am good at my job – all of them. Sometimes I struggle and sometimes I don’t feel smart or good at anything. And that’s when the hoodwinkers can strike.

And they may be non-existant as well. Who knows. I’m my own worst enemy. I could be the only one who suckers me into fighting for things that aren’t there.

I fight for everything.

I see that it’s nothing, and yet I still fight. I struggle because that’s the human condition. I complain because it’s my nature.

My friend asked me to go for a walk today. Just a walk. But I thought he had some great juicy gossip. Nope. Just wanted to get some fresh air.

I don’t want drama in my own life, but I need spice. A challenge. The struggle. Just a little.

I want the fight.

To bleed just to know I’m alive.

- Idearella

I have an acquaintance that I thought was a friend. Our children go to school together and we have a standing play date on Saturday mornings.

But every time the play date ends I walk away feeling horrible. Her tone and her body language are extremely condescending. So much so that I spend the remaining part of the afternoon in self-doubt and sometimes tears.

Apparently, her behavior is bullying, and it’s time for me to do something about it.

Yesterday I made the commitment to end this torture. It was difficult, as I’m not sure she has many friends. I begin feeling guilty at the thought of “dumping her”. But this is the same problem that people fall into when dealing with a mean partner or spouse. It scares me, also, that I will have to see her every day when dropping off and picking up Daughter.

The way I see it, I have two choices. I could tell her that being with her makes me feel ugly inside. I fear this will be met with more condescension.

My second choice is to stop seeing her.

Saying, “I feel yukky inside when I’m around you.”

My mini flowchart starts like this:

1. I tell her that being with her is not a positive experience.
2. I tell her which parts of her behavior make me feel this way.

Then it might conclude like this…

3A. She says that she doesn’t realize that she does it, and she appreciates the feedback. She commits to making a change.
4A. We continue our play dates with a sense of peace.

Or it could go this way…

3B. She rolls her eyes and condescendingly tells me that that’s ridiculous.
4B. I inform her I can’t see her anymore. I walk away.

I am quite disturbed that there is no certain route in this flowchart. As a control freak myself, it’s difficult going into a situation without knowing the outcome. This option is a clear jump out of my comfort zone.

Saying, “I can’t see you anymore.”

I can completely avoid the uncertainty in the above situation if I merely tell her that I’m starting a new diet and exercise plan that will take me away from our Saturday morning play dates. The problem with this, is that if I don’t lose weight over the next month while she sees me every day at school, the jig is up.

Furthermore, why should I have a jig at all? Lying and avoiding her is easier initially, but could get hairy down the road.

So what shall I do?

While I make that decision, I’m going to avoid today’s play date. A simple, “Something’s come up so I can’t meet today” should suffice. This won’t work long-term, as it will add more stress and anxiety for me.

I know I should tell her. I should tell her today. It will free me up for the rest of the week. But I’m scared.

Have you been in this situation? Will you share your outcome?

And just in case you’re wondering, she “doesn’t read blogs,” as she’s told me a number of times while rolling her eyes. So I’m not concerned that she’ll read this. Although if she does, it might be good.

Do you ever have a bad communication day? That was my day on Monday. I turned it into a learning opportunity, despite the amount of tears, anger and frustration it caused.

Here’re my take-aways from the day:

Be clear.

Write down action items before you leave a meeting. Recap meetings with a follow-up e-mail stating clearly what you believe to be the next action items. I walked out of a meeting two weeks ago with a clear understanding of what was to happen next. Apparently my clear understanding was wrong. I had a horribly negative experience Monday trying to explain, understand and amend that misunderstanding.

Communicate your expectations of others clearly, in writing if necessary. I learned from a former colleague to preface e-mail subject lines with, “ACTION REQUIRED:” or “ACTION REQUESTED:” This helps people scan their e-mails and know that there is something specific that they must do.

In your personal life, you can apply this as well. If the decision is made to move forward with plan, write it down. In a relationship there is often differing ways to “understand” the next steps and action items in a plan. It may seem too professional or non-romantic to write down your understandings with a friend or lover. But it will improve your lives together immensely.

Acknowledge when you’re wrong.

If you forget to think before you speak, pause to confirm that you don’t mean it. Then retract it.

If you caused confusion, acknowledge and remedy it. Don’t blame someone else’s confusion on them. I worked with a technical trainer in Oklahoma who would often say, “It is clear to me that I’m not communicating this properly. I am so sorry. Let me think about it some and maybe I can come up with a better way to explain it to you.” I so admired that.

If your life or workflow is interrupted by someone’s confusion, don’t blame them. They didn’t act maliciously. It’s likely they were unclear on your expectations.

If you need something, it’s your responsibility to make sure you get it. If you don’t, own that fault.

Acknowledge when you’re wrong, only when you’re wrong.

If you were the confused party, ask for clarification when you see your confusion. But don’t feel guilty if you thought you were clear and realize later that there was a miscommunication.

On Monday, I learned I had been mistaken in what was expected of me. I took the blame and accepted chastisement and condescending remarks. I shouldn’t have. I followed the plan as I understood it. I didn’t know that I didn’t understand the right plan.

Conclusion

Communication is a two-way street. Sometimes there’s a crash on that two-way street, but it’s not the fault of only one person. Clarify in writing all expectations. If you mess up – own your part. And the part you didn’t mess up? That’s the other person’s. Don’t let them give it to you.

What do you think? Share your thoughts or experiences in the comments.

Ever notice how some people just get on your nerves? And it isn’t like they’re trying, right?

If you had the power to be antagonistic on cue with no effort, you could be invincible. Here’s some tips on how to do it.

Ask accusatory questions.

Always ask questions with “Why is it that you didn’t…?” or “Why didn’t you…”? You can also start your questions with, “Did you think about…?” All of these starters clearly say, “You didn’t do it right.”

These questions put people on the defense. Their fur gets ruffled and their nerves are shot.

Avoid asking questions that put people at ease. Questions like, “Would there be any value to …?” This will make someone take notice and respond, “Well, maybe… I’ll make a note to think about that.” You want people to react – that’s what makes you a good antagonizer.

Never commit to agreeing or disagreeing.

When someone makes a statement, respond with “Well, yes AND no.” Respond with a left-handed validation and then give an alternate position. If someone takes the position you gave, play the game again.

If you’re pressured to make a decision or to commit to action, explain your confusion and inner turmoil. “I can see both sides,” claim intellectually. This prevents you from making direct enemies – everyone is annoyed with you equally.

Always have the last word or opinion.

When someone makes a statement, top it. Even if you have to make it up. Use the “yes AND no” routine if necessary.

Don’t leave a conversation with someone else giving information. That validates them – something an antagonist never does.

A quick and easy way to end a conversation for you as an antagonist is, “Oh, believe me, I know!”

Never admit to ignorance.

A great way to antagonize is to  have no clue what you’re doing and still act like you’re the expert. This is especially effective when they know you have no clue!

If you don’t know how to do something, ask someone. But instead of saying thanks, tell them, “That’s what I thought, I was just checking.” Never admit to not knowing something.

If they press you for your ideas first, say, “There are so many ideas that I have, I’m not sure how to organize them in my mind or even what words to use. If you could give me a little help, then I could probably verbalize it better.”

Conclusion

So how about it? Could you be a sh*t stirrer if it only took a little effort? Remember that if you were, you could get out of a lot of work!

Share your experience in the comments section.

As I sit here sipping coffee and waiting for iMovie to publish, I wonder what’s happened to my world in the last three years.

I’m not a change management expert, but I play one in life.

Three years ago I had a different job, no children, and my hobby was knitting. I awoke every morning at 4:15 to head to the gym with my shiny new husband. I was a member of a number of clubs and boards at work and “off campus.” I spent Saturdays training for races and raising money for TEAM in Training.

Now I wake at 3am to write or video a post for one of four blogs. I head to my new job, where there’s always another thing to learn. In between projects, I have conference calls for boards and committees I’m on. I spend Saturdays racing after Daughter, trying to shop for groceries, and planning the next week’s blog posts.

When I was 20 I connected with the quote, “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.” I wasn’t even aware of the full truth of the statement. “Life” is the default. The plans are the way we try to mitigate it.

What are your defaults?

Your defaults could be the need for travel, the need for financial stability and control, wanting to do crafts, doing something with your hands (including knitting or smoking), needing to be touched, joining clubs, needing to feel valuable… The list goes on.

I am a volunteer by default. I was about to sign up to be the leader of the Houston Chapter of Webgrrls when I remembered this. So I have to stop myself. Reset that parameter.

I am a learning addict. I’m not a “lifelong learner” like you hear some people tout. I am an addict. Tell me there’s a new web based application out there, I want on it. What’s it about? How can I use it? How can I twist it? Is it programmable? I want it. I learned to write iPhone apps, just to see if I could. (I can.)

How do you know your real defaults?

I always thought that I was a cyclical hobbyist. Sister-in-law asked me yesterday if I’ve ever cycled back to a hobby. I haven’t. This made me think – am I a cyclical hobbyist or is there something more?

I choose hobbies because the provide something else to learn. Once I’ve learned enough to satisfy me, I move on to the next thing. I’ve realized in the last 12 hours that I’m a learning addict.

Be careful to identify your real defaults. And accept the fact that you could get them wrong. Keep looking for them and they’ll eventually show their true nature.

How can you adjust your parameters?

What do you do if your defaults are destructive? Volunteering too much and spending my life with my face in a computer takes its toll on my life and family.

Make it a point to know your defaults and remind yourself of them. Often. Decide, consciously, how you will deal with them. Adjust your parameters – even though they might reset themselves, keep trying.

I have decided that in order to volunteer for something, I have to stop volunteering for something else. I’m part of the OTC The Next Wave planning committee. In May, my time as chair ends so my volunteering for that will decrease to only being on the committee. The time and energy commitment will decrease. I’ll have space to volunteer for something else.

I haven’t figured out how to mitigate my learning addiction. Of course I just learned about this default in the last 12 hours.

Conclusion

Each person has a certain set of defaults. You can change your parameters but they always reset themselves back to the default eventually.

This doesn’t mean that you must sit by and live with them. Constantly seek to reassign the parameters. Just because life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans, doesn’t mean you stop planning.

What are your defaults? How do you mitigate them? Share them in the comments.

This is a guest post from Julia “Infomum” Greenwood from Bloggers Anon.

Jonathan Manor wrote a great article on this site called 5 Ways to Be a Digital Minimalist. One of the things he mentioned was pruning your twitter list so you’re following a maximum of 150 people.

That got me thinking about my own twitter list, which had blown to an excessive 890 people I was following.

I had no idea who 870 of these people were; nor why I was following. I know how I began following them. It was my friendly personality which meant I simply followed anyone who followed me. So why was I following them?

I never read their posts, so what benefit did they achieve from having me follow them? That got me to thinking further about twitter as a communication device.

If we’re all shouting into the echo chamber of twitter and none of us are reading what each other is tweeting because we simply can’t keep track of that many people, why are we doing it?

One answer that comes to mind is that it looks good when people visit our page and they see that there are hundreds, even thousands following us and we are following almost that many in return. But does it really look good?

What does your following list say about you? Do you only follow people in your niche who generally have something worthwhile to say? Or do you follow anyone who comes along? Worse, do you use one of those automated follow programs?

As I was ruthlessly culling my 890 followed down to 15 I looked at some of them and thought “I am trying to build a reputation here as an authoritative person on networking and communication and here I am slashing hundreds off my list.”

Then I realized that I didn’t really want to be known as someone who follows people who sell adult toys, warez, and goodness knows what else I had unknowingly clicked on.

So they all went. But that doesn’t mean I am not a networker, it means that I am discriminating in whom I network with.

What about you? Are you really following all those people because you hang on every word they say?
If not, then be ruthless and cut loose the dead wood and those connections that adversely affect your image.

What does your twitter following list say about you?

Julia Greenwood, otherwise known as Infomum writes a blog for all those small bloggers out there who may feel anonymous in the crowded blogosphere. Aptly named Bloggers Anon her focus is on communication, networking and building positive partnerships in order to become visible. She also writes general interest articles for diversity.

Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, and whatever comes next. Are you able to handle them all?

Here are six options to get you through and keep you connected, with minimal time expenditure.

Get up one hour earlier on Sunday morning. Enjoy a steaming cup of Joe at your computer while you browse updates from the previous week.

Long drawn-out discussions over many weeks are acceptable in this new eWorld. Ages ago, people would write letters back and forth and it would take a week to get to each conversationalist. Allow your twitter account to be like this.

You don’t want to have 1 million updates go out all at the same time. Use a service like www.HootSuite.com to schedule your updates and responses for the week to avoid this.

Take the first or last 15 minutes of your day or 15 minutes of your lunch hour to check your accounts. Pick a time that always works, and stick with it. Make it a habit.

You don’t need to schedule responses and updates ahead of time when you’re doing them each day. If it’s a struggle on the weekends, skip them. Or use the narcissistic way, discussed below, on the weekends.

Every time you take a potty break, bring your smartphone with you. No one knows that you’re there. Unless, of course, you tweet for someone to bring you more toilet paper.

Be careful on this one. If you start to get addicted to your social networking sites, your bottom could go to sleep, or things could dry and cake before you have a chance to properly tend to them.

Set a timer for 55 minutes and work. When the timer goes off, reset it for 5 minutes and open up your TweetDeck. Respond to as many updates as you can before the alarm goes off again.

You’ll be surprised at how much you get done.

When the alarm goes off, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Don’t finish. Don’t read one more. Close the window on your computer.

If you get a task done in less time than you anticipated, allow yourself a few minutes as reward.

Set a timer, though. If you have 10 minutes left in the hour, don’t take more than that. Follow the same rules from number four, above.

Choose any plan above for tackling responses. For outgoing tweets from your own brain, do them any time.

Don’t use a real-time social networking application, though. You don’t want to be tempted to see what other people are writing.

Text message to 40404 to tweet, and have your Twitter updates go to Facebook and LinkedIn. You can also use a smart phone app. I use Tweeter for the iPhone. It’s not longer available but I found Tweet Now that works exactly the same way.

Conclusion

All of these can be mixed and matched. Choose one for weekdays and another for weekends. Try different combinations over the next month or two, and figure out what works. The key is to build a habit and stick with it.

Do you already have your habit established? Share it in the comments. If not, what will you try first?

A big thanks to Lubos for the post suggestion.

This is a guest post from Jonathan Manor of The Titan Project.

Several days ago, in the year 2010, legions of people found themselves acquainted with the word, “minimalism.” Minimalism, a one word buzzword lifestyle adjustment, blew up across blogs and ebooks, blanketing across lifestyle design writers and readers. It was associated with other buzz words such as, location independent, online sustainability, and flash packing. Everywhere people were throwing away their things, taking separate pictures of every item they owned, and living out of a duffle bag, as if it were a race to poverty.

The term location independent at some point rings in our ears somewhat like the word “homeless.” However, it isn’t just about getting rid of everything you own, it’s about a sweet angelic term that rolls off our tongue like a shimmer of morning sunlight. It’s about clarity.

Minimalist bloggers are sprouting up in every direction, but at the reigns of minimalist writing are Colin Wright and Everrett Bogue. Bogue’s blog has a deep respect for “the moment.” He talks endlessly about how humanity is all about hustle and bustle, busy, busy, busy, and how most people never have the moment to sit down and enjoy where they are. He chooses to only work 2 hours a day.

Wright’s blog further mentions the inspiration behind traveling and being engorged by the lambent beauty found all over the world. In my earlier stages as a blogger I wrote a review of Wright’s blog.

Bogue owns 100 items; Wright, 55. They’ve both learned to make a sustainable living through the Internet. By breaking the 9 to 5 work day, they’ve basically found a way to have infinite free time. Without desk jobs holding them down, without material possessions crowding their homes, they find themselves encased by freedom. They have the clarity to practically do whatever they want.

Me, I’m not your textbook minimalist. I don’t sustain a living online and I don’t travel much. My blog is about doing what you want despite the need for approval by others. It’s sort of like minimalism, cutting things out of your life to make room to think for yourself, but, even though I hope to find myself there, I myself am not a fully blown out minimalist, yet. I do, however, find ways to take advantage of it’s practices.

I’ve found the following tips from the Internet along with ones I’ve thought of personally, and integrate them all into my life as a way to get organized and more importantly, unclutter my digital life so I have room to think about things.

Dunbar’s law says it is impossible to keep in touch with more than 150 people at a time.

Old files left on the desktop is basically like leaving garbage on the floor. I only leave my Evernote and my Tweetdeck on my desktop.

If you haven’t responded to an email in a week, you’re probably going to see that same email in a year. Delete it or reply with something small.

Your toolbars shouldn’t be engorged with different saved pages and a billion apps. You practically only need the address toolbar.

When you work on something, work on that one thing. By trying to work on multiple things at a time, you’re only going to add stress and lose your sense of direction. Remember to work on one task at a time.

We could all find ways to incorporate minimalism in our lives. By uncluttering ourselves, we make room for the things we actually want to do.

What areas will you start with? Let me know in the comments area.

Jonathan Manor is a lifestyle design blogger who emphasizes on letting go of information overload and learning the truth as individuals. He’s an unconventional thinker focused on breaking traditional methods. He writes at The Titan Project. Follow him on Twitter.

Do you ever get feedback that’s supposed to be “constructive criticism” but feels like somebody’s hitting your ego in the face with a brick?

A friend of mine’s new boss has been giving her feedback. After each bit of “constructive criticism,” she walks away feeling defensive, dirty, and bad at her job.

She might need the information, but she’s receiving it negatively – because he’s giving it poorly.

Here are some tips that he, other bosses, and all of us can use to convey positive information in a positive way:

People see it coming miles away. And yet everyone tells you to do it. The formula: positive feedback – constructive yet negative feedback – positive feedback.

The feedback sandwich mixes points of view. Positive feedback comes in the form of, “I think you did a good job with the meeting.” It tends to be from the perspective of the giver.

Negative or constructive feedback is turned around. These are “you” statements. “You need to create an agenda for each meeting.”

But the feedback receiver did the positive things. And the feedback giver is the one who prefers the change!

Skip the messed up feedback sandwich. Cut to the chase with what you really want changed.

Instead of relying on the words, “you should have,” use language that looks to the future. “In the future, would you…?”

This places the point of view where it belongs. You were displeased with someone’s actions. You want them changed. Just ask.

Make it a request. Make it about you. Use “I” statements.

“I got a little confused in today’s meeting. Could I trouble you to create an agenda for future meetings? It would help me a lot.”

Everyone interprets the written word differently. Regardless of your intent, or the number of smiley faces you put in the e-mail, you can bet it’s going to be received incorrectly.

Avoid this altogether and make your feedback request face-to-face.

If you’re acknowledging someone for a job well done, send an e-mail. Kudos are best given written, so the person can file them away in their “win file”. But “constructive” stuff - definitely f2f.

When someone performs in front of you and you stay quiet, there is a powerful neutral feedback that is understood.

If Susan holds meetings every week, and you attend as her supervisor, no feedback from you means everything is fine. After five meetings you tell her, “you should create an agenda,” and her response will be defensive.

Use “I” statements to make a request. “I usually have other meetings right after yours. Do you mind trying to end on time? It would help a lot. If you need some tips on this, I can certainly help.”

The longer you let something continue, the more aggravated you’ll grow. Remember, “constructive” feedback for someone else is really about you. Immediately respond to the undesired behavior with the feedback request. This will give guidance in an honest and positive way.

Conclusion

Change the way you think about feedback. Remember the point of views for each type. And if you aren’t getting feedback the way you need it – ask for it.

Like my friend with the feedback-challenged boss, try creating a feedback request to ask for feedback: “In the future, when you give me feedback, could use make them in the form of requests?”

Maybe my friend’s boss can improve his feedback offering.

Share your feedback experiences in the comments.

Note: I learned the skill of acknowledgement in the class that is linked. I hope Mattison will write a blog post on it soon and I’ll link to that instead.

Do you run into bumps in the road of life? How about in other obligations or activities?

I’ve had this bump in my life’s road for a while. I’ve been trying to write a blog post about “How Blogging Is like Parenting”.

I’m stumped because all of life is like blogging. And all of life is like parenting. And this comparison is really comparing life with life.

So instead, here are some facts about the bumps in the road of life (with interesting notes on parenting and blogging).

You don’t know what you’re doing when you start out.

As a kiddo just starting life, you’re clueless. When you jump into blogging for the first time you don’t any idea what you’ve gotten yourself into.

When you find yourself knocked up and eager to start a family, whoa Nelly!

As Husband’s friend (a dad of three) said, “Other parents tell you Come on in – the water’s fine! and then laugh when you get in.”

You can’t read enough books to prepare you properly for parenting, blogging or life.

But you start out anyway and…

Once you’ve done it for a while, you look back on all your screw-ups.

Jump into the blogosphere and give it three months. You’ll look back with horror at what you did in the beginning. “I should have” will be your mantra.

How many times have you looked back over your life and wondered what the heck you were doing back then?

Parents have plenty of moments of realization like: “She learned to pick her nose by watching me!”

All is not lost when you realize your past screw ups. Because…

It’s never too late to start building good habits.

Start today creating those good habits. Stop picking your nose in front of your kids. Start working out. Start interacting on social networks with your blog.

Don’t hesitate because…

Just when you think you have it down, things change.

It might be the latest SEO tactics that force you to rework the plan for your site. It may be something a colleague said about your behavior that makes you rethink who you are. And it could be that Daughter has discovered the buttons on the remote control.

Everything in life, blogging and parenting is in flux. This doesn’t help the fact that…

There are frequent moments of self-doubt.

Did you make the right decision to dump that girl last September? Should you be doing so many video posts on your blog? Should you be letting Daughter stand on the dining room table chairs?

The voices are everywhere. And occasionally your mom might chime in as well. Which makes you quickly realize that…

There’s always someone better than you.

Your mom’s there to let you know this about your parenting. If not overtly, then through her constant advising.

Check out your Google Page Rank or your Alexa Number and you’ll discover just how many people are better at blogging than you are. This is rather humbling.

And life? Someone else always looks better, is thinner, makes more money or has a higher cool factor than you do. There is no Google page rank or Alexa number for life. Unless you’re the president of a gazillion dollar company or a small country, you probably have a pretty crappy Life Page Rank.

Regardless of how you rank…

Having a buddy helps immensely.

You can get over the bumps, crashed sites, bruises, heart aches, crappy posts and broken arms a great deal easier when you have a support system.

Your mom can also say things that make you feel great. Your partner adds to your life and your parenting. And blogging forums and meet ups help propel your blog forward.

Whether it’s blogging, knitting, parenting, owning a puppy or growing a garden, you live life. You have hobbies, duties, and take on new and interesting things. Share the challenging parts of your life in the comments.