The NEW Safe Holiday Shopping Tips

Unless you have no friends, did your shopping in July, or live under a rock, you’ll have to visit a mall sometime this week. Being safe while you do it is important. After all, staying alive is the prime directive.

There is a plethora of places to find safe parking and shopping tips. But none really get the point across.

So I’ve put together the new improved list of safety tips. These incorporate helping other shoppers find parking spaces and acting like a wild crack addict.

Two essential elements of spreading Christmas joy.

Be aware of your surroundings.

Look for bad guys, but also look for people needing to park. When you’re dropping off packages in your trunk, let people know you’re not a potential parking space.

If you’re walking to your car to leave, point your spot out to a driver your area. This will help them in their parking spot trolling.

Walk with a purpose and get to your car quickly.

Not only do you look like a crazy wild shopper whom no one should mess with, it also gets you out of the parking lot quicker. There’s no reason to the hog parking space longer than you have to.

Don’t carry over-sized purses that are easy to grab.

Leave your bag in the trunk. You don’t want to haul that thing all around the mall anyway.

You need a credit card and driver’s license. If you’re carrying your pistol, take your concealed handgun license. You don’t need anything else.

Look underneath your car as you walk up.

Really? What happens when you bend over and look under your car? You’re leaving your bottom end open for attack!

I recognize that in some situations this is optimal, but not in a mall parking lot.

Before you bend over to look under your car, look around to make sure there’s no one there. You don’t want to be attacked, and you don’t want to ruin someone’s Christmas by sticking your ass in their face.

Glance in the back seat before you get in your car.

You won’t have to worry about this one because you have so many packages to put in the backseat. If you don’t have enough packages for the backseat, you can find my wish list here. Go back to the mall and buy more stuff.

Go shopping during the daylight hours if possible.

Hopefully everyone else follows this rule. That leaves more space in the parking lot for you when you shop at night.

Mumble to yourself and weave around like you’re high on crack. Even bad guys don’t want to mess with the crazy crack momma.

Get a security guard to follow you to your car.

Oh, this one is brilliant! Basically the tip here is, “If you’re a bad guy, dress like a security guard. You can easily find prey that way.”

I say mumble and weave. Shout into the air occasionally, too. “I DON’T WANT ANY OF YOUR CRANBERRY SAUCE, DAMMIT!”

Don’t flash money while you are shopping.

You will look like a drug dealer. The cops will follow you to your car and take you down in the parking lot. Trust me, this is not fun during Christmas time.

Use your debit card like everybody else.

Don’t wear a pony tail.

Apparently, a ponytail is a handle. But so is long hair. So is short hair, for that matter. So shave your head before you shop. Or not.

Remember the bad guy has two handles also. One on each side of his head. Give him the vanGogh treatment and you’ll win.

Conclusion

When you’re off to the mall this week, keep these tips in mind. Help the other parkers find spots fast, be safe and make everyone wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

Whatcha think? Let us know in the comments.